win my Heart.

I should really keep track of how many posts I’ve written that include or end with the word “heart” because there has to be a lot! Today I’ve decided to write a post all about how to win my heart. Enjoy!

Chew gum at Mass. Because there is nothing quite so attractive as the co-mingling of the Body, Blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ and Big Red (and if any of my folks from college are reading this…Big Red. Remember?).

Don’t play with kids. If possible, pick on them. Throw things at them. Make fun of them, to their faces if possible. I’d hate for you to convince me that you like kids, let alone that you may ever want to have them.

Be rude to your mother. Your earthly one or Mary, or both if at all possible.

Be as vague as possible. Feel free to tell me that you don’t want a relationship, period, much less with me, but then proceed to flirt with me and/or call me honey, sweetie, etc. I’d hate to know what you are actually thinking.

Complain about attending Mass on Sundays. For bonus points, dress like a slob because as we all know, the celebration of the Last Supper is the most meaningless thing you will do all week.

(c) Getty Images

(c) Getty Images

Better yet, watch the ball game instead of going to Mass. Besides, you’d hate to lead me to believe that things like traditions and Sacraments are actually important to you. And you’d really hate for me to think that you could actually commit to something, for example, weekly Mass attendance.

Convince yourself that you are my savior. That’s right, you are the answer to my prayers, the protector I’ve been waiting my whole life for, and we both know it. You, and you alone, are the reason I’ll never have to experience heartbreak ever again. Stop pretending like I need any other kind of savior. You have arrived in my life and that’s all I need, and don’t you dare let me think or believe anything different.

Pick a fight with my father. I’m looking to see who is boss, so you better show your worth and beat my dad, with words or physically. Or both.

Always let me know that you know what I’m up to. I’d hate to have any sense of freedom, since you are now my personal lord and savior. So, constantly remind me that you are there and are thinking of me and can’t imagine your life without me. Don’t give me a chance to forget that you are in my life and are taking it over.

Monopolize my time. Why do I need any time with friends and family? You are my world, my love, and my savior, remember? Remind me of that. I don’t need anyone else but you, baby. If I try to tell you that I need time for anyone else, throw a huge temper-tantrum and guilt trip me into spending time with you because you love me and you need me.

If ever we have a fight or disagreement, blame me. After all, it is probably my fault because I’m just an insecure girl and you can’t imagine or possibly understand my insane girl brain anyway. If all else fails, call me hormonal. Remember, you are my savior, and therefore you are perfect, so naturally I’m the one screwing this up.

Feel free to hang out with, drink with, and flirt with other girls, either in front of me or without me present. If you hang out with girls and I’m not there, don’t tell me about it, I don’t own you and it’s not like you want to share your life with me anyway, right? You tell me that you love me and that is all I need, right? Of course it is! You’ve come to save me and only me, so naturally I’ll have no issues with you spending time alone with other women, even though I’m not allowed to hang out with anyone but you.

Better yet, don’t tell me you love me. Skirt around the word. You love my hair or some feature about me. You like me, you enjoy spending time with me, but don’t ever actually admit to loving me because that automatically means that I’ll start planning our wedding and future kids.

Be jealous. If I so much as think about spending time with anyone without your prior approval, get jealous. Get mad. Blame me. Tell me that I clearly don’t love you enough.

Yup, that should work. Do all of those things and you’ll win my heart over…and convince me, in the depths of my heart, to run far, far away from you. In all honesty, if any guy out there is trying to win over any girl’s heart, these are sure fire ways to basically guarantee that you’ll never win her heart! The opposite however, just may do the trick 😉

*Thank you for tuning in to this week’s ridiculously snarky blog. At some point in the somewhat near future I promise to draft a blog on how to actually win a girl’s heart, as opposed to all the ways to drive her away. (You may have to remind me of that promise!)
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