Never before, in nearly two years of blogging, have I ever been afraid to blog. Ever. I’ve written things that may have been controversial, I’ve written things that people strongly disagree with. I’ve written things that make people laugh, make people think, and inspire people. I love writing and I love blogging, far more than I ever thought I would. Blogging is this safe and happy place for me. It keeps me accountable and gives me an avenue to write, and, by the grace of God, to touch people’s lives and hearts, and bring His love to a world that is in need. He allows me to speak for Him in that sense, and to remind His children that we are all worthy of Agape.
I thought seriously about not writing this post, of leaving the fear behind and writing anyway. Do you, my lovely readers, need to know of my fear? Not necessarily. But if I hide behind the fear, if I don’t acknowledge it in the light of day then perhaps the fear will have won. So, I’m calling out the fear, and in so doing, I invite you to call out your own fears. Surrender them to His love.
I am not afraid that Mr. Obama and his cronies will read my blog and shut me down for saying potentially scandalous things about him and his policies. If he wants to come after me for whole-heartedly disagreeing with a number of his policies, then so be it. Come haul me off, lock me up, and throw away the key. My God is bigger than any jail cell you could confine me to.
I’ve been a little leery at times of the things that God calls me to write about, but that is not fear, it is hesitation and a bit of uncertainty. So why then, you ask, am I afraid? I’m afraid to blog because I’m afraid of my words being twisted, taken out of context, used against me, and used to hurt me. But I’m not afraid of that in some vague way, God knows that just about anyone could come along and take my words out of context and twist them to their own ends. I’m afraid of the crazies (as I call them), afraid that someone could take my words and think that I belong to them, or that I am writing to them directly, and to them alone. I’m afraid of putting my words out there, my hopes and dreams, and having someone be absolutely certain (to a destructive end) that they are the answer to all of my hopes and dreams.
I would be lying to you if I said that there wasn’t a moment or two that I seriously considered shutting the blog down all together last week as this fear mounted and grew. This fear, all at once, was crippling. It was never a thought in my mind in all the blogs I’ve written. I never feared blogging, nor did I fear that someone could track me down, leaving me terrified for my life, all because they had convinced themselves that they are the answer to my prayers, whether I thought so or not. I talked with my insightful mom about my fears and she had some truly brilliant words, “You can’t control what people will read into your words, you can’t control how they could twist the words to their own ends, but neither can you control how you inspire people by what you write. And you DO inspire people by what you write.” The fear, folks, is real. But the hope, the call to write, the call to spread His love however I can, is bigger. I could very easily shut down the blog and delete all of the old blog posts. Or I can choose to trust God and surrender to Him and not to the fear.
It is a decision that I have no doubt we face every day, in big and little ways. “Do I choose to wear this and be mocked for being modest?” The fear of being mocked is real, but the call to modesty is bigger. “Do I choose to go to Mass on Sunday and live out those values during the week, even if I lose friends because of it?” The fear of being alone is real, but the call to love Him is deeper and bigger. Do I shut the blog down and end the fear, or do I surrender to God and trust that He is bigger than my fears? Do I believe that He will take care of me and protect me? You better believe I do, or I wouldn’t have begun blogging in the first place. And if I didn’t believe Him, then you wouldn’t be reading this blog right now.
God is bigger than all our fears.