Last week I wrote about the things that guys should avoid saying to the single ladies in their lives. This week I tackle the things that guys should avoid saying to their girlfriends. These are things to avoid saying in order to help them guard their hearts…and yours {and how to stay out of the doghouse!}!
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When we are married…
- A girl’s mind has the very easy potential to run wild with thoughts of what will or won’t happen when you are married. Until you are engaged stick to “IF” rather than “when”. When a couple starts to assume they will get married before they are actually engaged, it becomes very easy to take the relationship for granted rather than continue to work on and grow the relationship.**
- Similar lines include, “When I propose…” How about we just stick to reality and when you propose, we’ll get there? Especially do not say, “When I propose on
…” What happens if you don’t actually propose on such-and-such date or in a certain month? The girl is likely to end up confused, disappointed, and hurt. Avoid that by thinking before you speak!
- Similar lines include, “When I propose…” How about we just stick to reality and when you propose, we’ll get there? Especially do not say, “When I propose on
- A girl’s mind has the very easy potential to run wild with thoughts of what will or won’t happen when you are married. Until you are engaged stick to “IF” rather than “when”. When a couple starts to assume they will get married before they are actually engaged, it becomes very easy to take the relationship for granted rather than continue to work on and grow the relationship.**
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“Hey, so there is this wedding that’s six months away that I’ve been invited to, if I can bring a date, do you want to come?
- (1) If you’ve been together for longer than six months, planning that far in advance is okay. If you’ve been dating less than six months, you may want to hold out on planning that far in advance, just in case the two of you don’t work out.
- (2) This is where the “if” and “when” rules get switched – invite her when you have specific plans. Besides, there’s no use in getting a girl all excited to go to a wedding (with you as her date) and then changing the plans later. Definite and firm plans are better!
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When you meet my parents…
- In case you haven’t picked up on this already: be very careful of how you use the words “if” and “when” – they have power and most girls pick up on when you use them like a bee pollinates flowers. If your parents are within an hour’s drive (or even a day trip) then go ahead and make plans to introduce your girlfriend to your parents. If, however, your parents require a lengthier trip, stick to saying “if” you meet my parents. Meeting the parents (especially when the trip requires more travel) is a big deal. Meeting the parents says, “I’m serious about this person, so serious that I want to introduce them to the people who gave life to me and raised me.” That ain’t no laughing matter.
- In case you haven’t picked up on this already: be very careful of how you use the words “if” and “when” – they have power and most girls pick up on when you use them like a bee pollinates flowers. If your parents are within an hour’s drive (or even a day trip) then go ahead and make plans to introduce your girlfriend to your parents. If, however, your parents require a lengthier trip, stick to saying “if” you meet my parents. Meeting the parents (especially when the trip requires more travel) is a big deal. Meeting the parents says, “I’m serious about this person, so serious that I want to introduce them to the people who gave life to me and raised me.” That ain’t no laughing matter.
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“We don’t need a label for our relationship, we know what we are.”
- I understand that some people don’t like terms or labels, or feel that boyfriend and girlfriend are juvenile terms (and since when do 10 year olds really understand what a committed relationship is anyway? But that is another blog post…), but at some point the couple should at least discuss what they are, how they understand their relationship, and the goals they have for the relationship. Saying this phrase without ever discussing your relationship leaves the relationship open to interpretation, and with hearts on the line, someone is bound to get hurt. If you don’t want to label the relationship, you should at least discuss it so that you two are on the same page!
- In a related vein: Don’t introduce your girlfriend to a crowd by simply saying “This is my girlfriend/friend/whatever term you decide to use”. We have names. Use them.
- I understand that some people don’t like terms or labels, or feel that boyfriend and girlfriend are juvenile terms (and since when do 10 year olds really understand what a committed relationship is anyway? But that is another blog post…), but at some point the couple should at least discuss what they are, how they understand their relationship, and the goals they have for the relationship. Saying this phrase without ever discussing your relationship leaves the relationship open to interpretation, and with hearts on the line, someone is bound to get hurt. If you don’t want to label the relationship, you should at least discuss it so that you two are on the same page!
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“It is okay if we have sex now, because I know I’m going to marry you!”
- Pile. Of. Hooey. You might know you are going to marry so-and-so, but things can change. Don’t say something with your bodies that you haven’t committed to with your words and actions outside the bedroom. Sex is the consummation of wedding vows, so if you haven’t actually made those vows, what are you consummating? You are building a house without a foundation.
- Similar lines include: “If you really loved me, you would _______.” Because let’s be honest, if YOU really loved ME you wouldn’t conditionalize my love for you.
- Pile. Of. Hooey. You might know you are going to marry so-and-so, but things can change. Don’t say something with your bodies that you haven’t committed to with your words and actions outside the bedroom. Sex is the consummation of wedding vows, so if you haven’t actually made those vows, what are you consummating? You are building a house without a foundation.
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Comparisons to other women.
- Comparing your current girlfriend to old girlfriends isn’t likely to ever go over well. Even if you say something positive, i.e. “You are so much better than the last girl I dated because you are so much more patient than she ever was!” And who is not to say that you won’t compare us to the next girl you date? Focus on what is in front of you and be grateful for her, just as she is, without needing to compare her to anyone else. {Same goes for comparing us to celebrities.}
- Similar lines include: “You remind me of my ex…”
- Comparing your current girlfriend to old girlfriends isn’t likely to ever go over well. Even if you say something positive, i.e. “You are so much better than the last girl I dated because you are so much more patient than she ever was!” And who is not to say that you won’t compare us to the next girl you date? Focus on what is in front of you and be grateful for her, just as she is, without needing to compare her to anyone else. {Same goes for comparing us to celebrities.}
- “Let’s look at rings!”
- Let’s not. Most girls train their best friends/sisters/mothers/fathers to know what kind of ring they want and what size they are. Asking a girl to look at rings with you gets her excited about you proposing, but without any actual commitment. Again, don’t build a house without a foundation! Propose when/if you are ready and plan things on your own or with the help of her/your friends.
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“You’re just being emotional right now!”
- A girl may admit to this (or to being hormonal or crazy or whatever), but a guy should never actually say this to a girl. The results may (and likely will) be disastrous.
- Similar lines include: “I think you are just overreacting.” “You are being crazy right now.” “Call me when you get off the rag.”
- A girl may admit to this (or to being hormonal or crazy or whatever), but a guy should never actually say this to a girl. The results may (and likely will) be disastrous.
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“I’ve never dated anyone I could bring home to meet my mom.”
- Exactly what kinds of girls have you dated? What are your mothers standards? And what on Earth does that make me?! So many questions…not enough answers!
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“I cheated on you because I wanted to wait until we were married for us to have sex.”
- Not a viable excuse. Ever.
- Similar lines include: “I watch porn so that I’m not cheating on you with real women.” Fail. The women who are in porn videos are REAL, they are daughters of God just as much as your girlfriends are. Also inherent in that statement is an admission that porn is cheating, just with women you don’t deem to be “real”. Cheating is not acceptable, be it with another women or your computer screen.
- Not a viable excuse. Ever.
**Upon further reflection, it is a good and even necessary thing to have certain conversations before entering into an engagement. However, pie-in-the-sky conversations and lofty daydreams about your magical fairy-tale wedding and life together help neither of you guard your hearts, nor do such conversations give any practical guidance as to whether or not the couple is well suited for each other.
Not: “Oh when we get married and you’re the mother of my fourteen children life will be fabulous!”
But: “Marriage is a serious commitment and something I look for when I’m dating, so it’s important to me that we talk about some of these things as our relationship progresses:
