just don't say it: end of Pregnancy.

{Warning: this post is dripping with sarcasm and snark because I'm 38 weeks pregnant and that's what you get. Don't say you weren't warned!} I honestly want to believe that people mean well. I want to believe that people remember the age old adage of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". I want to believe those things. But a word to the wise and not so wise alike? What follows are things that - somehow, someway to someone somewhere - people actually think are nice or acceptable things to say to a pregnant woman. However, (and other pregnant/Mamma ladies, feel free to chime in) they are not nice and unless you'd like us to sit on you, I'd avoid saying them. Like, ever. You look so tired. Thank you, Captain Obvious. When was the last time you tried sleeping with a bowling ball/watermelon up your shirt and on your bladder/bones that caused you to need to pee approximately 14.98734897 million times a night? You should try it, because it is basically the best night's sleep I've ever gotten. You look like you are ready to be done being pregnant. Nope, just getting started. I'm going for elephant gestation time (22 months), so I'm not even halfway there! *scowl* You are ready to pop! I'm not a balloon and I don't really appreciate the comparison. Explode , maybe, but that's an entirely different notion ;-) Can I rub your Buddha-like belly? I'm gonna just go with no on this one. And if you try without asking I will back away and/or slap your hand. (Or I may start rubbing your belly and asking your lunch how it is feeling in there today.) Its a reflex. Wow! You look so pregnant in the ______{enter body part, i.e. face, butt, arms, etc. here}. Really? So do you. The thing is that I *am* pregnant - whether one body part seems to show it more or not is besides the point. Putting on weight and having a body that changes to accommodate a growing baby isn't the easiest or most glamorous thing ever, and pointing out to a pregnant woman that one part shows more than the other isn't going to go over well. Ever. {I'm also going to defer to Raquel's comments here, because they are genius. And sarcastic. "Newsflash…I’m PREGNANT. Maybe you forgot, but when a woman is pregnant she grows an entire human being INSIDE her and so sometimes there’s this side effect that causes a woman to get…BIGGER. But thank you Captain Obvious for your comment. I’m actually glad you reminded me because despite the fact that I can no longer sleep on my back because my baby could crush my lungs, that none of my clothes fit me, and the fact that I can no longer put on my own shoes…I actually forgot how big I was! (Hopefully you noted my sarcasm!)"} Wait, you're pregnant? In a joking way, when you know and are being Captain Obvious on purpose, this is fine. Said as an actual question when a woman is clearly pregnant and you are implying that you just thought she was fat/putting on weight is not okay. How does your {private body part} feel? If you are asking me this question, you better be my Mom, my doctor, my husband or my bestie. If not, don't go there unless you'd like me ask you how yours feels. Just because I'm pregnant does not give you license to ask me about any and every part of my body. If you don't see that body part naked (like, my shoulder, for instance) and/or you didn't bring me into this world, don't ask. You look huge/your baby is huge! *scowl* Don't judge me and don't judge my baby. Your only hope now is to run...because I probably can't catch up with you. But I'd still advise running as fast as you can. Actual Kind Words: Despite the nonsense above, there are comments that never grow old and I wish more people would stick to rather than offering their unsolicited advice/comments/opinions: You are glowing! You are all bump/It doesn't even look like you've put on weight!/From behind, I couldn't even tell you are pregnant! Here, let me open that door for you/pick up that thing you dropped on the floor that you can no longer see/anything helpful You are beautiful! You are going to be a great mother! You look adorable, I love that top/dress/necklace/any article of clothing/accessory Motherhood is the greatest adventure and it is all worth it If you aren't sure if it is a nice/acceptable thing to say or not, err on the side of caution and just don't say it - or be ready for a crying pregnant woman/highly sarcastic comment in return/slap/etc. Consider yourselves warned!