how they see Me.

It was one of those weeks, those weeks that shake your very foundations. Emotional upheaval hardly seems to cover what that week felt like. At the end of said week I found myself in adoration, grappling for some sense of...something. Something secure, steady, sure, or even logical. I sat and questioned so much of what had happened as I felt myself, once again, out on the storming ocean and not sure how exactly Christ wanted me to walk on the water despite the storms. I recalled how many times I'd sat and wanted to or actually just cried that week. Then, as often happens, I asked myself who I want to be, what kind of wife, but I kept coming back to a question that drives much of what I do: what kind of mother do I want to be? Normally my answer to that question revolves around my friends and social media. I want to be like her, you know, the one with the Pinterest-perfect life. I want to be like that mom, whatever she does, her kids behave all the time. I want to be the mom who manages to shower every day, do her hair, and put on makeup. But as I stood in the back of the chapel, a sleeping Mistletoe snuggled up in my arms, I realized that what matters more is what kind of mom my kids see me as. I actually don't give a flying leap if my life looks Pinterest-perfect or if other moms want to be like me. I want to be the kind of mom my kids look up to, the kind of mom who inspires her kids, the kind of mom whose kids want to grow up and be like. I found myself looking back on the week and thinking about the things I'd change in light of this new perspective. I want my kids to look at me and see someone who can weather the storm, roll with the punches, etc. When life throws a curveball, I want them to see the strength and resolve of my faith, I want them to know that Jesus is what gets me through, not a nightly cry/pity-fest. And do you know what? I'm not there yet. But at least now I can set real goals to attain with my destination firmly in mind. What matters far more than how others see me is how my kids see me and the kind of mom I want to be for them. Not for Facebook. Not for Instagram. Not for Pinterest. For my kids. Their salvation, their making it to heaven is really all that matters. So then the question becomes how can I be what they need? Am I there yet? And if not, how can I get there? More prayer? Make the time. Less Facebook? Delete the app. More planned activities? Whatever it is, I can make a plan and put it into action because motherhood is my vocation and getting these little kids to heaven is my ultimate goal.
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