becoming Myself.

It seems silly, really, this internal battle I've had going on. It is a battle between who I am, who I am becoming and what this blog is. I've seen so many of my friends take their blogs private lately. Honestly, I toy around with the idea the closer I get to giving birth. I want to share her with the world, but I also want to honor her and her privacy. At the same time, I don't want to lose the blog, the lessons I share here, the friends and community I've made, even with people I've never really 'met', per se. let go let GodThen there is this new struggle for balance between what the blog has always been and where it seems to be going. If I'm being really honest, it feels a little lost, at least to me. I'm struggling to find purpose in what I write, but I'm also struggling to simply write. Why the struggle? Because I'm not writing from the heart. Simply put, I'm writing from what I think needs to be written, not what I necessarily feel called to write about. For so long (the vast majority of three years), this blog has been about me - my struggles, hopes, dreams, heartbreak and everything in between. Next month the blog turns four - something I never actually thought I'd write to see. As the blog gets older, so do I, and with the adding of age comes new players to the blog scene. When I started out, I was a single gal stuck in a job I was literally counting down the days until I could quit (at one point there was even a paper chain counting down). Relationships came and went - some on the blog, some merely in the shadows - and then one came and stayed. Engagement came and went and I began to (and am still) settle(ing) into married life. Now there is a baby on the way. All of that changes who I am and how I write - or at least it should. In some ways I've written about pregnancy and what it all means, but in many ways I've been afraid to really go there, to search my depths and just write. I've been afraid of losing the base of single readers I'd built up and afraid that I wouldn't be any good at writing about mommy stuff. The truth is, I've never been particularly moved to write weekly "bumpdates" and detail each moment of this pregnancy. Goodness knows there are reasons for the lack of bump shots and craving details, but even those are topics I've shied away from. Quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm ready to be a 'mommy blogger', but I am ready to be me again, at least in terms of blogging. I'm ready to write from the heart, no matter who ends up reading. I'd rather write good stuff - and do so less frequently - than have two new posts up each week of stuff that doesn't really move me. If I've got a resolution for the year, it is simply that: write good stuff. Cut it out with the posts that deserved more time, more thought, more reflection before getting the green "publish" light. Sit on posts - even if that means a week or two without something new - and let them really grow into whatever they need to be. In a way I'm moving back, because when I started the blog I didn't do it for readers, I did it for me. In a way, though, I'm moving forward, finding my voice again and writing from the heart. Before I got married I almost always had 20 posts scheduled in advance. Since getting married, I'm lucky if I have 5 scheduled. The number shouldn't matter, though. Quality over quantity, substance over stats, and honesty over fluff. Here goes something.
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