There is this post that I’ve been drafting in my head for quite some time. It is, in fact, the very post that you are reading. This post, you see, is one I thought I’d never write. But even beyond me writing it, I doubted that God would ever write this story line back into my life. No matter how many times I’ve written this post in my head, actually sitting down to write it is another notion entirely.
For well over a year now I’ve been silent on where exactly my heart has been. Sure I’ve gone back and forth and written about the single life, relationships, love, and marriage, but when it comes to flat out admitting it on the blog, I’ve shied away from the truth every single time. Why? Because I’d done that before and I swore that the next time (if ever) love found its way back into my life, I’d keep it out of the blog. I’d keep it out of the blog for a thousand reasons that I knew and believed in the depth of my being.
Perhaps on some level I feared that if I ever admitted to a relationship on the blog again, it would all blow up in my face. I was, if I am being honest, afraid to truly be happy and to share that happiness. Believe me, even as I write that I’m laughing at how ridiculous it all is. Afraid to be happy? Who does that? Well, we all do. We are afraid to give ourselves permission to truly be happy. I somehow thought that if I played small, if I downplayed the joy in my heart, I’d be…safe? Holy? Humble? I honestly don’t know. I know that there is so much sadness and misery in the world and I foolishly believed that if I were to be gloriously happy in the midst of all of that, then I would be viewed as a horrible person. But here’s the truth:
The world needs more happy.
So here I am, breaking all of my blogging rules (read: the one rule I’ve had for half of the time I’ve been blogging) and embracing the joy and the happiness, come what may. Maybe you noticed it, and maybe you didn’t, but I can’t help but notice the change in my blogs starting early in May of this year. Sure, there were some single-life themed posts, but the bulk of my heart came out in my what I wrote about: love, relationships, hope, and marriage. The truth behind the blog is this: that change happened for a reason, a reason that continues to change my life. He, well he is the truth and the inspiration behind so many of these blog posts. He makes me think and hope and dream. He teaches me about love, challenges me to be holier, and fills my heart and my life with more love than I ever dreamed possible. He is impossible to contain in a single blog post, which is precisely why he has remained in the shadows of the blog, the quiet inspiration behind so much of what I write.
I am more perfectly myself when I’m with him. That isn’t to say that I didn’t know who I was before he came along, nor does he complete me, nor do I find my identity in him. Rather, I am more myself when I am with him. Cliché though it may be, he brings out the best in me. I can be my goofy self with him, but I can also cry on his shoulder and share with him the depths of my heart, confident that he always has my best interest at heart. I’m a better woman because he is in my life, because his love draws me deeper into His love.
None of this is to say that he’ll be the subject of every blog post. My point in all of this is exactly this: I’m done hiding. I’m done hiding the joy and the love that fills my heart because the world needs more happy. We all need more happy. I’m done being afraid that it may all come crashing down, and instead I’m embracing the joy and the bliss of each moment and each day spent together. He is, hands down, one of the single greatest blessings God has ever brought into my life. My only hope is to be as great of a blessing to him as he is to me, to love him as God does, and to get him to heaven.
…and on November 30th, 2013, he asked me to be his wife.
I said, “Of course!”