the day is here...or is It?

I'm writing this the night before Monkey's actual due date, so this is subject to some change, though that change seems unlikely at this point! The due date is here, the due date is here! March 24th - I feel like I've said this date a million times in the last nine months. It is a date I've been anxious for, excited for, nervous for, and every emotion in between. Here it is! Hooray! Let's have a party! With a baby! ...still inside my belly. In the quiet moments of the last week or so, there has been an undeniable peace that has washed over me - a peace I am so grateful for. I know that Monkey will come when she's ready, when God has perfectly worked it out for her to come. Her birth story will be her own - whether I get to see Anthony's reaction or whether I have to call him while he's in the middle of teaching (and how I wish I could be a fly on the wall of his classroom if that happens!). Will it be this week or next, or perhaps even later? Will I continue to make utterly horrified faces when people ask me if I've still got another six weeks? Will labor wake me up in the middle of the night or come on during a commute home? These answers - and so many more - I do not know. The answers, as always, lie in the hands of God. From a physical standpoint, I'm actually doing better than I thought I'd be. I'm not utterly miserable, not trying to do jumping jacks to get her to come out. Sleep is harder to come by, but everything I'm experiencing (at least physically) at this point is well within the norm. I'm so unbelievably excited to meet our little girl. The closer that reality gets, the more I tear up just thinking about what it will be like to hold her in my arms or to pass her off to Daddy and watch him hold his little girl like I know he longs to do. There is, to a degree, a certain simple beauty in the waiting, in not wishing these last few days away. There have been beautiful moments with Anthony, long sunset walks, picnic dinners, time spent in adoration - things I wouldn't trade for the world. From an emotional point, I'm reaching my end. I so want to hold my daughter, to see her sweet little face, her fingers and toes. I want to put her in her Daddy's arms and weep openly (its going to happen) at how beautiful they are together. I want it, I'm itching for it and yet trying to be patient, but the seemingly constant barrage of "No baby yet?" and "I thought we wouldn't see you anymore!" type comments are, if I'm being honest, wearing me thin. They try my patience because, hey, guess what? I want to meet her too. I want to share her with the world and tell people her name. This is one area where I obviously have no control, she'll come when she's ready and not a minute before. In part because I'm a people pleaser and in part because I'm growing tired of the same questions over and over and over again, I'm finding myself worn. Is it disappointing to people that I'm still at daily Mass? Is it disappointing to others that I'm still pregnant (even if I've only just reached my due date)? These are things I have no control over, and yet they so easily weigh me down. So here I sit, due date looming and a mix of emotions (would you expect anything less from a pregnant lady?). Peace at the knowledge that God's got this, that Monkey will come when Monkey is ready. Comfort in knowing that labor will be difficult, but women do it and endure it every day. Joy in knowing that soon I'll be able to see her face and share her name with the world. Frustration that she isn't here yet. Patience stretched as far as I think it will go in terms of answering the same questions and dealing with people's {well intentioned} rude comments. But most of all there is surrender: surrender that this is all out of my hands, out of my control, and yet in wounded hands, hands that have been pierced out of love for me. It is that love, that sacrificial love that keeps me going, that fills me with peace and teaches me to have just a little more patience when I'd rather snap back. Love spurns me on and keeps me waiting because I know, I've seen how beautiful things can be when we wait on His perfect timing.
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