sacrifice, marriage, and Satan.

It was the end of a particularly odd day. I had been in a mood, some may call it ‘cranky’, for the majority of the day. At the end of it all, what I really longed for was a relaxing conversation with my husband-to-be. As it was, he too was exhausted and our conversation was short. It was a simple of case of what I desired and what he desired, once again, meeting head on and requiring some kind of sacrifice. The conversation was short and I took it hard. As I got ready for bed that night I thought to myself something particularly selfish.

I’m tired of sacrificing for him. What about what I want? What about me?

sacrifice marriage and satanAs the thoughts rolled around in my head, my memory was flooded with times when I was single, times when the sacrifices didn’t seem to come so often, times when life seemed easier. I selfishly reminisced about how I was my own person, free to be whatever I felt I needed to be, regardless of how another person felt, free to flee when problems came my way. Suddenly, my heart was overwhelmed with a kind of pathetic nostalgia for times I’ll never get back now that I’m getting married. It was in these moments of selfish pity that I realized I had a choice to make:

Try to be happy on my own, the queen of my own world, or sacrifice and spend my days with the one I love.

With clarity that fails to be confined by words, this choice that laid before me seemed so similar to a choice someone else once had to make. He once went by the name Lucifer, which means “shining one” or “morning star.” He was among the highest of angels in heaven, but he had a choice to make: reign in hell or sacrifice and serve God, content to be number two.

With marriage on the horizon I am realizing in so many ways how it will, and already is, testing me, and how the vocation of marriage will, God willing, make me into a saint. The choice that lays before me, bold as it may sound, is so similar to the choice that Lucifer had. I could leave, try to be happy on my own, not have to die to myself nearly as often, and be free to run my own show. Or I could stay, sacrifice, die to myself, serve Anthony, and strive for happiness and holiness amidst the sacrifice.

In so many ways the choice really is that black and white. We see where one option led Lucifer. He rebelled and he has spent eternity rebelling against God, trying to steal souls and hiding in the darkness. He is alone, separated from the Good, the True, and the Beautiful. He knows no love, because he has broken his ties with Love. He knows no peace, no joy, no happiness. On the days that sacrifice seems hard, when I don’t want to die to myself, I hope I remember that the choice really is clear: serve God through my marriage to Anthony, or be miserable on my own. Unlike Lucifer, I’d rather go it with someone, even if it requires sacrifice and the shedding of my pride, rather than try (and fail) to go it alone.

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