I know. I write about Mary a lot. So what? She’s fabulous, so I’m going to keep writing about her because I’m Catholic, I’m a woman, and its what I do. Cool? Cool.
One night pregnancy hormones got the best of me. (Okay, okay, that’s happened more than once, but for the sake of this story, let’s just pretend it was only one night, alright?) I was crying sobbing hysterically for the umpteenth time that night. I thought that Anthony believed I was going to be a bad mother. I felt abandoned and left alone by the man who I hoped would love and support me. Hormones, right? They’re awesome. Of course he said nor meant any of that, but that’s exactly what I heard: you’re already a bad mom and I don’t support you.
As I sat on the floor next to our bed sobbing, the thought of Mary popped in my head. At first I thought that there was no way I could relate to her in this situation, no matter how much closer I seem to be to her these days. But then I realized that she was closer to me than ever.
God, through the angel Gabriel, told her she would conceive. A message from God. She asked how this could be and trusted in God’s answer. She trusted that He would take care of the rest – even the heart of her betrothed, Joseph. Imagine her surprise when Joseph finds out and wants nothing more than to divorce her quietly. Hello? God gave me a message, told me that I alone am to conceive the Son of God and you want to divorce me? We know that Mary is perfect and without sin, but I imagine that Joseph’s knee-jerk reaction must have stung. No, he didn’t want to divorce her loudly (you know, as opposed to quietly!), but he wanted to divorce her nonetheless. And then there was Mary, who was given Joseph as her protector, the one who was to support her and guide her through this most difficult task.
We have no way of knowing exactly how Mary felt, and yet in my pregnancy-hormone induced sob-fest, I related to her. She may have felt alone, abandoned by Joseph, and yet…she trusted. She clung to her yes, her unending fiat. Be it done unto me according to Your will…even if that will includes Joseph divorcing me. Even if that will means I’ll watch my son die. Mary, even when given good reason to despair, clung to hope. She begged God’s intercession and left the rest in His hands.
There I sat, crying, the sobs finally subsiding, realizing that even if Anthony did think I was already a bad mom (he did not), I still wasn’t alone. I started asking for Mary’s intercession that she would help me communicate how I was feeling to Anthony, instead of just sobbing about it. I asked her to help make his heart receptive to what I was saying and feeling. It wasn’t always pretty, but we talked it out. Anthony loved and supported me, heard where I was coming from and assured me that I am anything but a bad mother and that he would always be there for me, even through the sob fests. What is more is that I also had a loving Mother who knew my pain and a God who willed this all to teach me a lesson – even through the chaos of pregnancy hormones: we are never alone. Even when we feel most abandoned He is there for us, guiding us, showing us that even those who are without sin can be closer to us than a prayer.
