my Heart.

{Linking up with Blessed Is She} reorient your heartRemember back when I said that my word for the year was authentic? Can I be that, for just a blogging minute? My heart is all over the place. My heart feels pulled in so many directions: marriage, motherhood, work, ministry, blogging, is all over the place. If I'm being really honest, I can't remember a time in my life that I've felt more divided than I do now. I want it all but I'm realizing that something has to give. So often in life my heart (read: the place God most desires to dwell) is the thing that has guided me. My heart led me to study theology, which led me to youth ministry. Youth ministry led me to parishes across Colorado, each of which I've learned invaluable lessons from. Youth ministry, in a way, led me to my husband. My heart led me to start a blog, which led to me writing a book, which also, in a way, led to my husband. My heart led me to falling in love with Anthony, to marrying him and being open to life, which led to our beautiful daughter. But now? Now I feel like I'm in over my head. I once heard a talk in which the speaker said that we can't keep asking God to take us deeper and then complain when we are drowning. I don't think I'm quite at the drowning level, but there's a definite conflict there. When nap time comes around (for the baby, not usually for me) I make an instant mental list of all the things I want to get done, then I prioritize that list. Her usual daytime naps are only an hour or so long. When she goes down for the night she sleeps for much longer, though I need sleep to. The second she's down in the crib, the list starts running through my mind: laundry, shower, pack for an upcoming trip, dishes, trash, shower, hair, pick up around the house, check the mail, balance the budget...write a blog. This blog isn't forgotten, even if its been a few weeks since I've logged in. I've got big goals for the summer: more house organization and finally, finally, finally updating my book, but who knows if those are going to happen. There are a lot of big decisions coming on the horizon of our little family and I need God back in my heart (not that He's ever really left) to make those decisions clearly. I'm realizing more and more that sometimes in life we have to clear out the clutter in order to make room for the one thing, the only thing, that should be filling our hearts: God. He plants these desires in me - the book, the blog, snuggles with my daughter, conversations with my husband - and they are good, but none of those things will bear any fruit unless He's in the midst of them. So it is time to get back to His heart, to seek Him and fill my heart with Him so that He can guide me to where He most needs me to be.
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