holiday Sarcasm.

Alright ladies and gents, I’ve decided to take a temporary break from the more serious blogs and write something a bit more sarcastic. As you well know, the holidays are coming up and that means, well, a lot of things, but one thing in particular: loads of questions from family and friends about significant others/relationship statuses/babies. In order to survive these questions, I’ve crafted a few totally sarcastic responses for when folks ask about those topics. If you’d like some practical advice (that is far less sarcastic) then be sure to check out Verily Mag’s Tips.

“So…are you seeing anyone?”

“I am…he’s in the corner right now, can you see him too?! No one else ever sees him!”

“I see a lot of people. Guys, girls, married people, widows…oh, you meant am I dating anyone? My bad.”

“Why are you still single?”

“Because if I wanted to be someone’s mother, I’d have a baby.”

“Because I already have a job.”

“Because I can’t walk well when attached to someone else’s hip.”

“Why are you still blonde/brunette/red-head?”

“It gives my mother/father/grandma/grandpa something to live for.”

“Just lucky, I guess!”

“I have enough laundry to do, thank you!”

“Are you proposing to me?! FINALLY!!”

“Didn’t you see the mail-order bride/groom on my Christmas list?”

“My prince charming must be directionally challenged and has apparently taken many wrong turns…”

“Why aren’t you married?”

“Because if I married just anyone, I might deprive a village of their idiot.”

“Because I don’t believe in marriage. Or the tooth fairy.”

“Because I’m waiting for ______ (insert fictional character {i.e. Mr. Darcy} here) to become real.”

“I’m waiting for you/celebrity to get divorced so I can marry your significant other/celebrity”

“Because I haven’t seen any angels falling lately…”

“Why don’t you have kids yet?”

“I have enough laundry to do, thank you!”

“Because the angel Gabriel hasn’t appeared yet…”

“Who says we don’t? I shipped one off to China yesterday!”

“We don’t yet, but rest assured that we are trying like rabbits. Practice makes perfect, and we want that perfect kid!”

Basically, just go with it. I’ve reached a point in my life where *most* of my family knows better than to ask me about such things because I’ve always got some sarcastic response up my sleeve! But just in case your friends/family don’t know better, at least have a good laugh about it (and then say a little prayer for your future spouse and/or children).

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