…and, eventually, the found.
I’ve been writing this blog in my head for at least a week now and yet I still have no idea where to truly begin. My usual Wednesday mini-series, be it excuses or songs, is always changing (in case you hadn’t figured that out yet), and this is no exception. I’m not even entirely sure what this new mini-series is going to look like or what to call it, but that will come in time. So what is it all about? Allow me to explain:
It has come to my attention that I’ve been I am lost. The last few months my blogs have felt forced, for lack of a better word. I haven’t really felt them in my soul as I once did when I started in this little blogging adventure. Despite the fact that they still have an effect on people, that people still get something out of them (the credit for that goes entirely to God), I haven’t truly felt them and up until recently I wasn’t sure why. Quite frankly, it took a bit of a two-by-four to my head to get me to realize why I’ve been struggling for months with blogging and with so many other things in my life (and how wonderful it was, in a way, to realize that all of my struggles are connected to one crucial struggle – more on that tale in the coming weeks). I’ll credit my epiphany to two sources: Mr. Irish and myself. He and I were talking recently about a number of things when he reminded me of the retreat we reconnected on this summer. During that retreat I gave a talk, or a meditation as we call them and he said that while he watched me give that meditation I was so sure of my self, so strong, so confident – and that was what attracted him to me in the first place. Note the past tense – all of those are characteristics I seem to have lost. I must stop sugar-coating this: I am not yet found, I have not yet regained all of those wonderful characteristics about me and if you think I have then I’ve been faking it, they haven’t come from the inner-depths of my soul.
He said all of that and it sounded nice and in my head I laughed because I really didn’t think of myself as any of those things, I was just…me. Then, by sheer dumb luck (a.k.a. divine providence), I re-read my “woman Up.” blog. If Mr. Irish’s comments were the two-by-four, then re-reading that blog was the two-by-four smacking me upside the head. I read that blog and thought, “wow, I used to be fierce. I used to be intense. I used to believe in black-and-white and hardly ever gave in to “gray” areas. I used to be confident, strong. I didn’t take crap from anyone, I knew what I wanted and settling wasn’t even a word in my vocabulary.” Then I thought, “what the heck happened to me? Where did I go?” The real question really isn’t “where did I go?” but rather, “where did my heart go?”
I spent a lot of time in bed last week fighting off a nasty cold, and that time in bed gave me a lot of time to think and reflect. When did I lose myself? How long have I been gone for? Why has it taken me so long to notice that I’m not myself? But most importantly, how can I get my heart back? Not just so that I can return to being that woman that Mr. Irish was attracted to in the first place, but more so that I can return to being the woman that God has called me, and continues to call me to be. She is a lost soul and I must find her…I need His grace perhaps now more than ever.
Just about the time the stinging of the initial two-by-four blow had passed, the darn thing came back around and smacked me again. This sense of loss isn’t really new, it has happened every single time I’ve been in a relationship for more than, gee, I don’t know, a day. Sure, I am a self-confident, take-no-prisoners kind of a woman when I’m single, but get me in a relationship and suddenly I turn to mush. The reasons, I suppose, are many and they are entrenched in the fabric of my being – and they need changing, they need healing. This new mini-series then, whatever it may be called, are my confessions – the confessions of the lost, and, God willing, confessions, tales of how He comes for my heart and finds me and helps me recover my own fierce heart. So here’s to being found, here’s to the journey back to my own heart, here’s to finding God and opening my heart to let Him dwell within it. The journey may not be smooth, but if you dare to travel it with me I have a feeling you may find your own heart as well!