a sheep with no Shepherd.

I have no problem admitting what I am. I have no problem admitting that Jesus, in His countless analogies, was and is right: I am a sheep. Sheep are, for those who haven't spent any time with them, not the brightest animal in the world. They need, desperately, a shepherd. I am a sheep in need of a shepherd, so thanks be to God that we have a shepherd here with us, a line that can be traced all the way back to St. Peter himself. Or so I thought. As I've mulled over the last few weeks of scandal rocking the Catholic Church, working through emotion after emotion, one thought, one feeling that has stayed with me these past few days is that of feeling lost, and even, at times, abandoned. Not by Christ, mind you, He's still here. He hasn't left and He isn't leaving, He promises us that. I've come back over and over to this feeling of being a sheep. As a sheep, I have a desire, a profound, abiding desire to be led. As a sheep I look, naturally, to my shepherd to lead me, to guide me, to tell me which way is safe and which way is dangerous. It is for this very reason that I currently find myself so lost, like a sheep without a shepherd. I saw the news break and read Vigano's letter. I questioned and prayed, and waited. I waited for our earthly shepherd, our pope, to speak, to lead, to guide us. "Speak. Say something. Say anything. Lead your flock." My heart cried out, hopeful that whatever he said - even if it was on a plane (which has come to sound like the beginning of a bad joke at this point, "there was a pope on a plane...") would provide comfort, consolation, assurance, hope, something, anything. But, as we all know, that isn't what happened. He said next to nothing, telling us to look to ourselves for answers. Look to ourselves?! We are sheep, sheep in YOUR flock, looking to our shepherd and yet we are told to look to ourselves, greeted with silence and left to run amok in the fields. And isn't that exactly what we are doing? We don't know where to look. Our shepherds, up to the highest levels, have been accused of corruption. Who is leading us? We are sheep who can't trust our shepherd because he's told us, essentially, that we are on our own. Perhaps someday when things have settled down (and God only knows what we'll do, left to our own devices, between now and then), he'll speak again, he'll take up his staff and lead again. But until then? Good luck and God's speed. My faith is not shaken. I trust the teachings of the Church, I know that Jesus has this, that the Catholic Church has survived corrupt popes, heretics, and scandal before (I'm not calling anyone corrupt or a heretic at this point, but I would appreciate a lot more transparency), but I still feel lost. Abandoned by the shepherd I'm supposed to trust, whose voice is supposed to be the one guiding my soul to heaven, I feel like I'm in a daze, unsure of where to go and who I can really trust, and that doubt comes from the devil, plain and simple. I'm heartbroken over the priests, bishops, and cardinals who have abused their power in some of the most unspeakable ways imaginable. Faced with the the biggest scandal in livable memory, accused of worse things than I thought possible, many of our shepherds remain silent, refusing, either directly or indirectly, to lead, to fulfill the role God has called them to through the grace of their vocation. To those shepherds, deacons, priests, bishops, and cardinals who are leading, who are calling us to prayer, to fasting, and who have the courage to speak boldly: thank you. Thank you for your leadership, for not shirking the responsibility you have to shepherd the flock, and for calling your brother priests, bishops, cardinals, and pope to do the same. May we, as sheep, not lose our way, despite being told to look to ourselves. May our shepherd have the courage to speak, even if only to say that he doesn’t know which way to go. But ultimately, may we look to the Good Shepherd who comes after us, no matter how lost we feel, no matter how lost we are. {This video is incredible and this priest pulls no punches. It is worth every second to watch it.}