shaming Pregnancy.
{Consider this a revised edition of “just don’t say it: Pregnancy” written by yours truly – at least for the early stages of pregnancy!}
I knew that less than charitable comments about pregnancy were possible. The vast majority of my friends have children, so I can’t say I’m totally surprised by some of things that people have said to me since we announced that we are pregnant and yet…I am. So now I give you the top ways to shame a pregnancy (even the very first one!) and/or ensure that next time around you won’t be told until, say, after the baby is born. (A few of these can be said in a charitable way, but often times the tone implies something less charitable.)
I knew you just couldn’t hold off!
What? Are you implying that I and/or my husband lack self-control? The fact of the matter is that we love each other and wanted to get pregnant. That in no way, shape or form means that we lack(ed) self-control.
I should have bet on how long you’d wait, I knew it wouldn’t be long!
Fertility isn’t just small talk. The wounds and pains of not being able to conceive run deep. Just because we have conceived doesn’t mean you should bet on life or what our plans for growing our family are.
I thought you were showing! (And/or any variation on: you look pudgy/heavier/etc.)
Hi. What? I had people tell me this before we even told people we were pregnant. You know, when the baby was smaller than a pea. I know I’m slender, but I wasn’t showing. At all. I get that you are probably excited for a baby bump (as am I!), but commenting or implying that I am getting larger isn’t that lovely to hear. (p.s. I LOVE to hear that I’m glowing or radiant – that is about ten million times better than telling me I look pudgy/weightier/bigger/etc.)
Well that didn’t take you two long!
Who says we wanted to wait? What is wrong with not waiting? The reality is that the decision of when to get pregnant involves three people: me, my husband and God. Your opinions on our timetables aren’t really necessary, thankyouverymuch.
You know what causes that, right?
First off, yes. I got married and I love my husband, okay? Okay. Second off, causes it? Pregnancy is not a disease that needs a cause or a cure. It is a beautiful reality of being a co-creator with God. Love causes that, end of story.
That was a stupid/lame/inappropriate/dumb way to announce.
Well, gee, I’m sorry I didn’t consult your creative genius when deciding how to announce a pregnancy that isn’t yours. Oh, wait…no, I’m not.
There will come a day when you’ll wish you never got pregnant. There will be days you wish you never had kids.
This one didn’t make me angry as much as it made me sad. There may come a day (or month or trimester) when pregnancy will be rough. Rough as it may be, I can’t imagine saying – publicly or privately – that I wish I wasn’t pregnant. There are days that motherhood will be trying and exhausting, of that I have no doubt. But will that mean that I’ll wish my kids didn’t exist? I sure as heck hope not. And if, at any point, that day (or days or months or years) come, I hope God reminds me that these kids of mine are supposed to getting me to heaven, just as much, if not more than I am supposed to be getting them to heaven.
So I assume this was planned?
I assume this is none of your business. No matter whether or not we wanted to get pregnant (we did), God planned this, as He does all things, so next time you want to ask this, ask Him.
But seriously, y’all. What is up with people shaming pregnancy or putting a pregnant woman down? Yes, I love my husband. No, it didn’t take us long to conceive. No, this baby wasn’t ‘unplanned’, nor is he/she a mistake. We love this child so much already and implying anything other than that makes the Mama and Papa Bear come out in us. Share in the joy or walk away, snide comments aren’t welcome here.
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By all means!
I like that response a lot – I’m going to have to remember to say a prayer for the people who make such comments…and not be so sarcastic in my prayer 😉
May I add a contribution here?
http://www.rke-cafe.blogspot.com/2012/11/please-spare-me-obvious.html
I cannot say that it gets better, Amanda, because it seems that there are ALWAYS people out there who don’t really THINK before they SPEAK, even after the baby (or in my case, babies) are born. It’s amazing how hurtful we can be to each other, especially about something so wonderful as a child.
When I get a remark that just rubs me the wrong way, I do my best to take a deep breath and say a little prayer–for me, for them, for my children. God can see a bigger picture and I pray He uses our family for His good in ways even I don’t see! His plan is awesome, and I know that you know that you (and Anthony and now Monkey) are in for a treat! 🙂
🙂 People can be incredibly clueless! I may not have tough New York skin but I’m learning to handle people’s comments and either let them roll off of my back or respond in such a way to let people know they have crossed a boundary.
I am so excited for Monkey and I have no doubt that Anthony will be an incredible Dad! We are enjoying as much of it as possible! I’m so close to second tri that I can taste it 🙂
Have I mentioned how excited I am for you, Gary and Sprout?!? I can’t wait to see pictures of your little one – you both are going to be incredible parents!
I get that! Half the time I don’t even know what to say in response to people!
LOVE it!!
The unwanted pregnancy/parenting tips still baffle me. I’d never say these things to a person! It’s so RUDE! A girl I just met was telling me when they announced their 2nd pregnancy someone just said, “I’m sorry.” She was more confused than anything to even respond to them….
I thought of a reply the next time someone asks if they are all mine: No, they are half my husband’s and all God’s.
I agree 100%! I get a lot of the opposite of the comments you’ve gotten since we are older than most first time parents. Everything from “Why did you wait so long? ” to “You know, you’ll still be changing diapers when most people your age will be sending their kids off to college” to “You’re gonna be how old when your kid graduates” to all the “Do you all the risks to you and the baby at your age?” “Did you have to do in vitro since you’re older?”
Plus since I started showing so early, I had to deal with the “your baby is going to be huge!” And “are you SURE there’s only one in there??”
Since I’ve got a very thick skin, I don’t take any of these people rain on our Sprout parade. Yeah they are annoying and it never ceases to amaze me at how completely clueless, tactless and insensitive people can be. What bothers me is that these idiotic people hurt the feelings and upset women who don’t have as thick of a skin as I do (one of the pluses of being a New Yorker 😉
We considered becoming parents very seriously and tried for 3 years before being blessed with Sprout (no ivf here!) God had a plan and His timing was perfect. So as much of a pain in the butt these people and their comments are, just shrug them off and enjoy this time. Don’t let anyone’s jealousy or bitterness dampen what is really the most amazing experience you can have as a woman/couple. And I know you are gonna be an amazing Mom and knowing how awesome you are, I know your hubby must be pretty terrific too and will be an awesome Dad 🙂 And if you ever need to vent to someone who understands, I’m here for ya 🙂 xoxo
Right?!?!
People!!!!! I can’t believe the lack of brain-to-mouth filter some people have.
🙂 Excitement is a good thing, shaming us/me/the baby is totally different and it definitely makes the momma bear in me come out!
I’m glad you are happy where you are at – and congrats to your husband on med school, I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers!
Congrats on your engagement, by the way 🙂 🙂
I would LOVE a guest post on that, please do send it my way!
I’m getting thicker skin every day, which I hear is a good and necessary thing for parenthood 🙂 Anthony and I are very excited and are learning to let the comments go.
I loved this. No, I’m not pregnant, nor do I plan to be anytime soon, as my husband just started med school. There are times I wish I WAS, but I’m happy where I’m at, and I’m super happy for you! Each couple is on their own journey. There should be reactions other than excitement! <3
Oh, Amanda! I’m so sorry to hear you’ve gotten such comments. I am so thrilled for you and Anthony. May God bless you and the baby. I was going to send a similar submission for this series. Even as an engaged woman, I am anticipating the comments when it comes to our future family planning. Perhaps a post on the alternative side? What not to say if a wife is not pregnant right way (perhaps because of a need to avoid)…