not alone: the pursuit of Men.

not alone series

Prompt of the week: Is it possible for a woman to pursue a man?

I suggested this topic. I have no one to blame but myself for it…and yet as I sit down to write this post I know that I tend to “ride the fence” on this topic.

Short answer: Yes. No. Both.

Long answer:

I should probably begin by saying that I tend to be old fashioned or traditional or whatever you’d like to call it when it comes to dating and initiating relationships. Do I pursue men, as in, go after them and ask them on dates? Heck to the no. However, that doesn’t mean that I simply sit around twirling my hair until Mr. Wonderful comes along. When there is a guy that I’m interested in I’ll drop hints and flirt a little more than normal (because people think that outgoing = flirting…not true). There’s a line there between flirting and throwing myself at a guy, a line I’m careful not to cross. That line, I can admit, is a little different for everyone. I’m not opposed to inviting the gent’ I’m digging to a group outing if I think he’d enjoy it, but I won’t beg him to come just because I’ll be there. See the line?

not alone the pursuit of menI also think that pursuing men takes on a different nature/tone/meaning when you are in a relationship with someone. If I’m dating someone I think of getting to know them and showing them affection as pursuit. I want the man I’m with to know that I care for him and am still interested in him. Practically that can mean all kinds of things: cards in the mail, holding their hand in a crowded room, an extra squeeze on a hug goodnight, etc. I think that once a relationship has begun the couple pursue each other as they continue to get to know each other and discern their relationship.

Can a woman pursue a man? Sure.* But for me personally, that ain’t my cup of tea. For a number of reasons, I’m the type of girl that much prefers to be pursued. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to make a perfectly respectable man jump through a million hoops just to ask me on a date, but I genuinely want to know he is interested in me for more than what he sees when he looks at me. Once a relationship has begun I think it is important for that pursuit to continue and for each person to be able to show each other love and affection.

What do you think? Can a woman pursue a man? Should a woman pursue a man?

Thanks to Jen and Morgan for hosting!

*Another aspect to take into consideration is whether the gent’ in question wants to be pursued. A fair number of men I know would actually be turned off by a woman asking them out rather than letting him pursue her.


  1. Amanda @ worthy of Agape on September 10, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Amen, sister friend! 🙂

  2. Amanda @ worthy of Agape on September 10, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Haha, Jen, I love your comments! I think it is important to keep in mind that the pursuit changes as a relationship progress and isn’t just about the initial chase! Our hearts are a life-long journey, and if God is always searching for them, why should we love our significant others in any less of a way than He loves us? 🙂

  3. Jen @ Jumping in Puddles on September 10, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with being forward when necessary! That will look different in each relationship. 🙂 But, I just think women are designed to be sought after… and men are designed to pursue and fight for us!

  4. Jen @ Jumping in Puddles on September 10, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    I am with you 100% here, my friend.

    And, I too, have the same feelings about the pursuit being throughout the relationship! It’s so important for our hearts to always be sought after. I think, anyway. 🙂

    I also think it’s important to note, that JUST because we feel it’s important for the guy to pursue, doesn’t mean we take a backseat in the relationship. It doesn’t mean we aren’t letting our significant others how we feel, or doing nice things for them or what not. It has nothing to do with anything. So, I just love that paragraph about pursuing changing in the relationship.

    Ok, I am just rambling. I should have just stopped with me agreeing with you. hahaha.

  5. Amanda @ worthy of Agape on September 10, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Hi! I think we all have our preferences, but I agree that a guy initiating sends a signal that (1) he is interested enough to take a risk and (2) can be pro-active, which signals good things later on in life should the relationship progress!

    Three days to text back is crazy. And wrong. And rude.

  6. Amanda @ worthy of Agape on September 10, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Thanks!!! Glad you liked it Morgan! I think people often forget to keep pursuing each other…even in marriage! 🙂

  7. Amanda @ worthy of Agape on September 10, 2013 at 5:25 pm


    Great thoughts! I think that it depends on the woman and the man. Like I wrote, my personal preference is not to ask the guy out, but I know that it definitely works for some couples! I’m not saying I’m against a woman asking a man out at all, and I totally forgot that about you and Will, and clearly it worked out for you two! 🙂

  8. proverbialgirlfriend on September 10, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Hi! I am so much like you. I have my preferences (please initiate, guys!). I liken it to that Scripture verse…”he who is trustworthy in small matters…”. I dunno, it just sends a signal to me that if he can be pro-active as a date, he has the potential to be a proactive father/husband. Too often I get the impression guys who *never* lead (and are not shy/introverted) are legit just on their couch lazily texting and worse, lack imagination (an urban city with 100 restaurants and you suggest the Cheesecake Factory?!? :P). But I definitely agree on mutual pursuit within a relationship. And Theresa, three days?!? That’s insane!!! Guys interpret that waaay wrong. Just ask ’em. :p

  9. Morgan on September 10, 2013 at 10:30 am

    This is exactly how I feel — ESPECIALLY the part about pursuit within a relationship. I think that’s something a lot of people forget about after the “chase” is over.

  10. Theresa on September 10, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Oh, this post is right up my alley. Obviously, it depends on the circumstances and the personalities involved but why shouldn’t a woman pursue a man or be the first to ask him out? What does it say about the woman that men somehow find unattractive? I probably wouldn’t be with my husband right now if I hadn’t asked him (nay, directed him) to go out to dinner with me. (We split the check, too, for what it’s worth.) We were kind of both on board from then on so I don’t know if you’d call it a “pursuit” per se, but I think it’s perfectly appropriate to ask a guy out.

    If a man is genuinely interested in a woman for who she is, he won’t be “turned off” by being asked out. And while a woman may prefer to be pursued, again, I’m sure if she’s genuinely interested in a man, she will put aside the prideful thinking that she somehow deserves to be asked out first. I really think these black letter rules when it comes to dating can keep people from finding their match. I see it all too often with my single friends (why, again, is it a good idea to wait three days to text someone back?) and it drives me crazy.


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