just don’t say it: Singlehood. 15 comments


just dont say it singlehoodMaybe I’ve got a new series going here! This week I’m giving into normal blogging practice and featuring a list of the top ten things to never say to single people (of any age!)!

10. You are too picky and stubborn.

Having standards does not make a person picky and stubborn, especially when real marriages exist that are filled with love. God does not inspire unattainable dreams.

9. Enjoy your singlehood.

I do, and my friends who are not in a romantic relationship enjoy our singlehood. We understand that there are certain freedoms we have because of our state, but telling us to enjoy singlehood is like rubbing salt on an open wound. Do you run around and tell your married friends, “Enjoy married life!!!”? Not really, so you might want to avoid saying it to single folks.

8. It will come when you aren’t looking for it.

Even when we say we aren’t looking for it, we are. If nothing else, we are hoping for it. We are waiting for it. We are hoping that God brings our spouse to us, and that desire isn’t something that just can be put on a shelf or locked in a dark room somewhere.

7. Men (or women) are intimidated by you!

Intimidated by the woman or man God has called me to be? That is their problem, not ours! I won’t speak for everyone on this one, but I for one won’t change who God has led me to be so that I appear less intimidating to a potential spouse. That sells God’s creation short. Do you really think He wants you to play small just to attract someone? Is that really an attractive quality in the first place?

6. Don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

This one is particularly annoying if it comes out within the first five minutes of any conversation. There is more to a person than their relationship status, especially when asked in a condescending way. This question also implies that single people are somehow missing out or incomplete if they aren’t in a relationship. WRONG.

5. Ain’t love grand?

Would you walk up to a homeless person and say, “Isn’t being rich just the best?” Same principle.

4. When will so-and-so (whether it is a specific person or not) realize how wonderful/amazing/talented/beautiful you are and ask you out?

Whether you are pointing out a specific individual or not, this phrase can be a sucker punch. Why not just give the person a compliment about their awesomeness and leave it at that? Why can’t a single person be awesome on their own? If someone (specific or not) isn’t realizing that the single person is awesome, that is their problem, not the single person’s!

3. When you know, you know!

If this were true then I should be married a few times over. (The proof of that is buried in the archives of this very blog.) Sometimes you can be certain that God is calling you in a particular direction and then you reach a dead end. This phrase sounds wonderful, but it isn’t always that easy!

2. You are too busy for a relationship!

My momma always said that you have time for what you make time for. Besides, when you get married and have kids (and will arguably be busier than you are now), will you be too busy for a relationship with your spouse?

1. You’re so young!

I get it. I look at the teenagers in my youth groups and can’t help but think how young they are. You can tell me and my friends how young we are until the cows come home, but it does nothing to help with the ache we feel as we wait for our spouses. As young as you think we might be, we can look around fairly quickly and find at least 10 of our friends who are our age or younger who are married and/or having children. Don’t write off the plight of the single person just because they are younger than you, or because they seem to be young.

I will say that, bar none, the coolest thing anyone has ever done with/for me in my single state is to offer to pray for my future husband for me. I’ve also had an amazing friend who has prayed out loud with me for my future husband. Prayer, and the gift of prayer, is way more powerful and comforting than any of the statements above!


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15 thoughts on “just don’t say it: Singlehood.

  • Morgan

    oh, Amanda, you’ve done it again! #1 and #4 resonate so clearly with me…I think the hardest part for me hearing these things is that usually they come from people who know my situation, my desire to be married and have a family, etc…and they’re well-meaning, just not going about it in the most charitable way. Keep these coming! LOVE IT! 🙂

    • Amanda @ worthy of Agape

      Morgan, thank you so much! It is definitely hard when people close to you or people who know your situation say these things. That was actually a lot of the motivation behind this post – people mean well but don’t totally understand how their comments come across.

      What else should I talk about in this series? Got any ideas or anything you’d like to see me write about? =)

  • Kristi

    Haha, this makes me laugh! I totally remember the frustration of those moments. One thing I always made myself remember was that it is ALWAYS said in love. I think many people are starting to recognize the cultural shift that has happened in society of later and later marriages due to the hookup/birth control/co-habitating/economically challenged culture. And, unfortunately, Catholic/Christian women are suffering the consequences in a really deep way. It is deeply painful for a woman who wants nothing more to share her love (the very purpose of femininity) to not be able to due to a culture that we cannot fix by ourselves.

    So, really, I get it. I pray for all the single women that I know (which is most of my friend circle). But, I think it is important for single women to recognize that the people who make those comments are speaking because it is actually painful for us to know that you are still single, too! These comments are actually rooted in empathy. I look around at all of the WONDERFUL women in my life, and I cannot understand why men are not marrying them. And there is a feeling of uselessness because I can’t fix it. So I think it is just everyone’s way of trying to look on the bright side of a really crappy situation, or trying (annoyingly) to fix it.

    And then I realize that in every state of life, there are going to be things that are said that are insensitive to the suffering of others (I think especially of young, married women struggling with fertility). I have found as someone recently engaged that just as much as married women tell you that you cannot understand or sympathize with their life, single women do so too. I think we all just need to remember that Christ calls us to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” He never says only to do so with those in your same state in life. 🙂

    • Amanda @ worthy of Agape

      Kristi,
      Your whole comment is just brilliant!

      I agree that the comments come from a place of love. One of my motivations for writing this post was to explain exactly why those comments don’t always come across as they should, and perhaps offer some ways that those who aren’t single can help those single folks out! I think you are exactly right that Catholic/Christian women are suffering the consequences of later marriages in a very real way.

      EXCELLENT point about Christ not ever telling us to only rejoice with those who are in the same state of life as you are! We are called to love everyone, whether they have the same vocation, religion, or marital status as us.

      Such great wisdom, thank you!

  • socompletely

    Unfortunately, it only gets worse the further into your 30s your get. I speak from experience here.

    The greatest thing I experienced was finding out that a friend has been praying for me, my future spouse, and our relationship since the day we met. Even now, when we live thousands of miles a part, she still prays and occasionally emails me to remind me she’s praying.

  • Alex

    THANK YOU!!!!! Omg, share this with the world! Geeeeeeez! I get all of these all the time and it’s so annoying. “It will come when you aren’t looking for it.” Really? Psh it’s so supersticious. That’s like saying a watched pot doesn’t boil..it doesn’t make any sense.

  • Jen @ Jumping in Puddles

    THIS.is.awesome. Yes… to all of it. I also get “Good! You don’t need a boyfriend/husband anyway! It’s too… (fill in the blank)!” How do you know what I need and don’t need! Shut it.

    I always get “You are SO young. You have PLENTY of time.” Guess what… I have gotten that every.single.day since I was in college. Guess what? I am 28, and I am only getting older. If things keep happening the way they are, my chances of having a family are lessened and lessened… like biologically. So, please… hush. I don’t really want to hear how flipping young I am.

    Also… when I express that I can’t wait to have a baby one day… I always (ALWAYS) get the craziest looks. Oh stop, people. Just because I am single, doesn’t mean I don’t have a desire for a family, too. Let’s not get started on all the crazy that people say about having kids. I want to punch people sometimes. (Oh wait… am I not being super Christ-like right now? Oops…)

    And, teenahpea, AMEN! People say they can’t relate to me b/c I am still single and I don’t have xy&z. Well, I have a ton of friends who have all that and let me tell you, I have learned a TON. TON. So, there annoying people!

    Wow… I guess I am a little more passionate about this than I thought. You brought out the crazy in my, Amanda! 🙂

    • Amanda @ worthy of Agape

      Jen,

      I was not trying to bring out the crazy in you but I will take it!

      Uggh to the “you don’t need a bf/husband…” bit. On some level, I get it. I don’t *need* anything other than God, but I don’t think that it is anyone’s place to tell me what I need or why I don’t need something.

      The young thing gets annoying – especially from my friends who are less than a year older than me. Uh, HELLO, you got married at my age and now have a kid and I’M the young one?! Oh, that biological clock…I don’t need anyone telling me my age, I’m well aware of it, thank you very much.

      I get the crazy baby related looks too! Just because I’m not married or in a relationship (or even if I am), that doesn’t mean I don’t have a desire for a family. The urge to punch people is normal, I get that way too! Acting on it would probably not be so Christ-like 😉

  • teenahpea

    Oh. My. Goodness! Yes, yes and YES!
    The other I get is: you can’t possibly understand how busy I am because you don’t have a family. Or, you can’t give advice to me because you aren’t married and have no idea what it’s like to have a spouse.
    UGH!!
    I think I’m going to share this post on my blog – I hope you don’t mind??