never Before. 4 comments

Never before, in nearly two years of blogging, have I ever been afraid to blog.  Ever.  I’ve written things that may have been controversial, I’ve written things that people strongly disagree with.  I’ve written things that make people laugh, make people think, and inspire people.  I love writing and I love blogging, far more than I ever thought I would.  Blogging is this safe and happy place for me.  It keeps me accountable and gives me an avenue to write, and, by the grace of God, to touch people’s lives and hearts, and bring His love to a world that is in need.  He allows me to speak for Him in that sense, and to remind His children that we are all worthy of Agape.

I thought seriously about not writing this post, of leaving the fear behind and writing anyway.  Do you, my lovely readers, need to know of my fear?  Not necessarily.  But if I hide behind the fear, if I don’t acknowledge it in the light of day then perhaps the fear will have won.  So, I’m calling out the fear, and in so doing, I invite you to call out your own fears.  Surrender them to His love.

I am not afraid that Mr. Obama and his cronies will read my blog and shut me down for saying potentially scandalous things about him and his policies.  If he wants to come after me for whole-heartedly disagreeing with a number of his policies, then so be it.  Come haul me off, lock me up, and throw away the key. My God is bigger than any jail cell you could confine me to.

I’ve been a little leery at times of the things that God calls me to write about, but that is not fear, it is hesitation and a bit of uncertainty.  So why then, you ask, am I afraid?  I’m afraid to blog because I’m afraid of my words being twisted, taken out of context, used against me, and used to hurt me.  But I’m not afraid of that in some vague way, God knows that just about anyone could come along and take my words out of context and twist them to their own ends.  I’m afraid of the crazies (as I call them), afraid that someone could take my words and think that I belong to them, or that I am writing to them directly, and to them alone.  I’m afraid of putting my words out there, my hopes and dreams, and having someone be absolutely certain (to a destructive end) that they are the answer to all of my hopes and dreams.

I would be lying to you if I said that there wasn’t a moment or two that I seriously considered shutting the blog down all together last week as this fear mounted and grew.  This fear, all at once, was crippling.  It was never a thought in my mind in all the blogs I’ve written.  I never feared blogging, nor did I fear that someone could track me down, leaving me terrified for my life, all because they had convinced themselves that they are the answer to my prayers, whether I thought so or not.  I talked with my insightful mom about my fears and she had some truly brilliant words, “You can’t control what people will read into your words, you can’t control how they could twist the words to their own ends, but neither can you control how you inspire people by what you write.  And you DO inspire people by what you write.”  The fear, folks, is real.  But the hope, the call to write, the call to spread His love however I can, is bigger.  I could very easily shut down the blog and delete all of the old blog posts.  Or I can choose to trust God and surrender to Him and not to the fear.

It is a decision that I have no doubt we face every day, in big and little ways.  “Do I choose to wear this and be mocked for being modest?”  The fear of being mocked is real, but the call to modesty is bigger.  “Do I choose to go to Mass on Sunday and live out those values during the week, even if I lose friends because of it?”  The fear of being alone is real, but the call to love Him is deeper and bigger.  Do I shut the blog down and end the fear, or do I surrender to God and trust that He is bigger than my fears?  Do I believe that He will take care of me and protect me?  You better believe I do, or I wouldn’t have begun blogging in the first place.  And if I didn’t believe Him, then you wouldn’t be reading this blog right now.

God is bigger than all our fears.

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4 thoughts on “never Before.

  • Katie

    Hi Amanda,

    I just wanted to back you up on this. I personally enjoyed this post. Currently, we do live in a society where we fear saying what is resting on our heart and soul. Our communities are so divided on beliefs, values, and morals, and I find it to be a daily struggle to continue to live my Catholic faith out loud. I too have dealt with losing friendships, or at least straining them because of my faith and views.

    It is a huge fear to spread God’s word…because you never know how someone will take it. Keep spreading…keep evangelizing. That is what we are called to do as Christians.

    To Steven…
    I hope someday you come to the realization that there is a huge population of strong Catholics. There are tons of us who are firm in our faith and continually strive to dig deeper. There have been times in my life when I have felt distant from God, and maybe that is where the mask comes into play, but we are all on our own journey. Our individual relationship with God is not something that can be judged or measured. I hope you reevaluate that assumption.

    Have a blessed day,

  • Steven

    I usually enjoy reading your blogs, but this one not so much. Which is OK, you’re not going to like everything a person has to say. But I think you have fallen into this right wing looney apocalyptic idea, that is really damaging to people’s souls. I think you might just have officially joined the crazies that you speak of.

    Obama might do some damage to this country, in that I have no doubt. However as much as people and bishops like to cry foul, the fact the REAL fact is that Obama nor his administration would never shut YOU down because of something you said about him, Unless you made real threats toward his life. Really please don’t give into the fear mongering. Obama is not the anti-christ, nor is he going to start locking up Catholics and forcing us into martyrdom, and he certainly won’t police the internet and throw small time bloggers in jail for speaking against his policies. Really, the fact that you are spreading this kind of fear, is just plain sinful and I think you should really be carful of what you write and what you think. Not because you should be afraid of Obama coming to throw you in jail, but because of your soul and the sin you just helped spread across this world.

    I hope you really reflect on that. I’m assuming you won’t, because I am assuming that when it comes right down to it, you’re probably just like most other Catholics whos faith is nothing more than just a mask they wear to feel like they fit in somewhere. I hope I’m wrong…I hope you can take criticism well and be open to correction, even from some stranger on the internet

    • Amanda @ worthy of Agape


      I certaintly don’t expect you to love everything you read here.

      Also, I think if you re-read the post, you’ll see that you’ve missed my point. My main point actually had nothing to do with Obama. IF, and I do mean IF it comes to him locking folks up, that’s not what I fear. Do I really think he is going to come and lock me up because of what I say on my blog? Nope. That’s a hyperbole, and still not what I’m afraid of. The fact of the matter is that Obama could do some real damage to the country and to religious liberty. I’ve never gone so far as to call Obama the anti-Christ. Some people may have said such things, but you won’t find them here. I was in no way, shape, or form trying to spread the fear that he will lock up bloggers and Catholics. Do I think he really will do that? Not necessarily, but I won’t be surprised if Catholics become more persecuted either.

      Please know that I am careful and prayerful about what I write, and what I think. I am not spreading sin across the world, the goal of this blog has always been to spread love, which is always greater than fear, and that IS the point of this particular post. No matter what we fear LOVE and GOD are bigger still.

      I hope that you will take the time to re-read the post and see that the fear to which I’m referring was not at all about Obama or the direction of this country. My fear is entirely separate of that, and I was merely stating the fact that unlike some, I am not afraid of Obama locking me up, should it come to that (which, admittedly, is a long shot at this point). I reflect on all of the things my readers say and comment, so I would appreciate you not assuming thing about me, my fears, much less my faith (which I would point out is fairly evident if you look over any number of my previous posts). I pray that you can find peace and trust that what I write here is not written lightly, but with a great deal of consideration and prayer.

      I’ll say it again: God is BIGGER than all our fears.

      Yours in Christ,