It is no secret that after any break-up we (no matter which side we were on) are broken. In an odd way, I found comfort in that brokenness. Remember as a kid when you were sick and you got to stay home from school and watch The Price is Right all day (which will always be better when hosted by Bob Barker)? You never wanted to go back to school. There was something about being sick, about being broken that was actually kind of cool. You got special attention from your parents…until you were healed and could go back to school.
Well, that is how my life as of late had been. About a month ago I wrote in my journal that I had begun to fear, but more than that I had begun to fear hope. It sounds as ridiculous as it looks (and it feels ever more ridiculous to admit). It isn’t that I had let go of hope, rather, I was focused on my brokenness. In my brokenness I knew where I had to be: in the arms of God, wrapped close and warm in His loving embrace. However, I slowly started to hope. I let my crazy girl brain wander and it rested in hope. Then fear took over. I found myself afraid to hope, and I found myself afraid that God may actually have healed me.
I wrote, “If I am broken then I am off the market, in repair, and, in some sense, un-usable. My brokenness has become a shield, protecting me from more brokenness. I had begun to believe, at least until recently, that if I were broken I could not be any more broken. The agony and heartbreak as of late was too deep, too intense, too painful for God to allow me to be broken anymore. I never thought about going up, I only clung to the belief that I couldn’t go down anymore. After all, if God wasn’t done healing me yet, where else could I go? If He fixed me up, I’d have to go back out into the world and fight in the battle again. But here, in my brokenness, I could hide away in His loving and healing arms.”
But we don’t get to stay home and stay in bed sick for the rest of our days. We go to the holy hospital of God’s love to be healed, and then return to the world. Sure, we can use our brokenness as a shield, but God knows better. We weren’t made for brokenness, we were made to be whole in Him. From time to time we take a hit and we are wounded, but we are also healed, and then sent back out.
“The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few…” – Matthew 9:37
Yes, God, I know You are calling me, but I’m not ready yet. See, I’m still broken?
He sees us, and He heals us in our brokenness, and yet He sends us all out. Is it scary to return to hope, especially when we feel we’ve been broken for so long? Of course it is! Sometimes it may feel as thought He is shipping us back out into the world no matter how broken we still are. Does it scare us to think that our return to the battlefields of life may only lead to more heartache and brokenness? Yes! But that fear leaves out hope: hope that He is sending us out to use us, to glorify Himself through us, to heal and love others, and maybe, just maybe, this reassignment won’t end with heartbreak, but rather, increase our joy.
“Then Jesus approached and said to them, “All power in Heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” – Matthew 28:18-20
The Great Commission is for us all. Be healed. Go.
What I’m Listening To:
“Wanted” by Hunter Hayes
“You Don’t Know Her Like I Do” by Brantley Gilbert
“Out Alive” by Kris Allen
“Become” by the Goo Goo Dolls