Sometimes life just makes me laugh. Other times I have to laugh at the hilarity of my own thoughts. Still other times I don’t realize how ridiculous my trains of thought are (and let’s face it, there are trains because I’m a girl and my brain runs more than one train on a track at a time) until I take them to their crazy ends.
…all aboard the crazy train!
So, for comedic entertainment, let’s take a look at a recurring and ridiculous train of thought of mine. Ever since Mr. Irish and I broke up people have been telling me (and I say this because it’s true, not necessarily because I believe it) that the man I will someday marry – God willing – will be an amazing, holy man who will have his crap together long before he meets and falls in love with me (as if Mr. Irish wasn’t that kind of man – for more on this train of thought be sure to read “break up Bully.“) They say he will be this kind of man because I’m that kind of woman, the woman who stands out (in a good way, at least I hope that’s what they mean!) as a holy woman who is worthy of a man like that. People tend to paint this picture of this great man with all of these great qualities and characteristics, and of course I’ve dreamt of him too, but when they paint the picture he seems…unattainable. Non-existent. Unreal.
…and the crazy train has left the station.
I start to believe that no man in the world today could ever actually be like the man my friends are describing to me.
Then I start to freak out that I will never get married (welcome to my crazy girl brain, population unknown) unless something changes.
Then I worry that if this book I’m writing actually gets published that no guy or man will touch me. Think about it. I’m writing a book all about being a worthy woman who is strong and fierce and radically in love with God. I’m setting myself up for failure on so many levels by writing this book. I’m setting myself up for failure because this woman I write about in this book is someone I’ve openly admitted that I am not, and that I continue to fail at being. Not only that, but I’m writing about this woman as if I know her, as if I am her. I’m writing as if I have some supernatural expertise on the hearts of women (that’s called grace). What guy out there would want to touch this (and here comes pride joining us on the train ride) rock-star woman who writes and speaks so eloquently on womanhood? “She is too good, too holy to ever think about me,” said every guy on the planet.
Something has to give. I want to love God, and I also want to get married. I want to believe there is man out there who will love me even in my craziness but he hasn’t come along yet (or stuck around for the long haul) and I fear that the more I pursue God the more this Mr. Ideal Man will never actually exist. Something has to give. So what gives? Me. I must change. I can’t be this insanely Catholic woman who is worthy of some strong ridiculously Catholic man because they don’t exist. So if I want to get married then I have to change. I have to be…less. Less holy. Less intense. Less amazing. Less…me, less the woman God created me to be.
…and the crazy train has arrived at its final destination.
And thank God He stopped the crazy train. God created me to be exactly who I am: a crazy, beautiful (He thinks), intense, passionate, freakishly Catholic, daughter of His. And He wouldn’t have it any other way, so why would I? If He wants me to get married then that man is out there somewhere, somewhere only He knows. If I change myself to be less than who He has created me to be then I’m going to end up with less than He wants for me, and that is a tragedy that I pray this train, no matter how crazy it gets, is never ever bound for.
Thank you for riding on the crazy train with me, I hope you’ve laughed and I hope you never drive this train yourself. It’s a little bit nuts in here, to say the very least! Also, this man – where ever he is – is going to be the man God calls me to. Maybe he’s ridiculously holy, maybe he’s an imperfect man who is still striving. Maybe he’ll have his crap together before he meets me, maybe he won’t. No matter what, I’m going love him and, so long as I rest my heart in God, I’ll love him as He wants me to, and that will be beautiful.
What I’m Listening To:
“Rock Star” by Kenny Chesney featuring Tim McGraw
“Wanted You More” by Lady Antebellum
“The Freedom Song” by Jason Mraz
“Springsteen” by Eric Church