I feel as though I wrote yesterday’s blog about a million years ago. Remain in Me is a lovely idea, a wonderful prayer and a thought that I forgot about probably ten seconds after I published the blog. What a hypocrite I can be.
Last night Mr. Irish and I met up for our Rosary date in the chapel. It is a lovely little time I’ve come to enjoy because I get to spend some good, quality time with two of the men I love most in this world. What happened during and after that prayer time I’d like to blame on Satan. It would be easy to say that he came at me with a ton of fears and sought to overwhelm my poor little heart. It would be easy to blame him but that, in some sense, gives him too much credit and too much power. I have to own the fear. Satan cannot be the excuse and my “poor little heart” is not so weak as I think it to be. I have to admit that I’m afraid. I’m afraid of a lot of things, many of which are far too personal to admit here, even if this blog is my own little confessional. The truth is that even though Mr. Irish told me (and I told myself) not to let the fear overwhelm me or keep me down, I let it. I said my prayers and wrote in my journal last night and try as I did to avoid it, I feel asleep in fear. And I paid for it. I slept horribly. Something (and I’m going to guess this fear is it) has been haunting my sleep for the past few nights and I wake up, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at about 1 in the morning. And 3. And 3:45. And 4:30. And usually a few more times before I either give up on sleeping altogether or my alarm finally goes off. It is beyond frustrating and last night I’d had it.
So, thank God for Mass this morning. And thank God for the homily from a deacon who I usually tune out for. And thank God that He made me listen to the Gospel because I nearly missed it, “Jesus said to his disciples: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.”” (John 14:27). Deacon preached about finding peace in Christ and that it isn’t always the kind of peace we look for. We look for peace and reassurance from external things, i.e. work, finances, relationships, etc. The peace that Christ freely offers us is an internal peace and it only come about when we let Jesus into our hearts, all the way. Remain in Me as I remain in you, allow my love to enter your heart and fill it with peace. I often think negatives fail to work because they get us thinking about what notto do instead of what to do, i.e. “Do not let your hearts be trouble or afraid.” Sounds great but I’d like to take a positive spin on that, “Let your hearts be free of fear and filled with My peace.”
Make no mistake, there is a battle underway. Even in the midst of the most trying battles, Christ longs to fill our hearts with peace. Sometimes the fear is easy to hold on to, it is familiar. Sometimes I think we (a.k.a. I) hold on to it because it gives us direction or purpose or something to grasp on to. It is time we (read: I) let go of the fear so that we can hold on to Christ, be given direction and purpose from Christ and be filled with peace.
Also…the “What I’m Listening To…” widget doesn’t work the same here as it did on the old blog so from now on I’ll simply put the “What I’m Listening To…” bit at the bottom of every blog (that way you can look back and see what I was listening to when I wrote each blog! Maybe that makes me nerdy, but I’m excited about it!).
What I’m Listening To…
Restless by Switchfoot
Dare You To Move by Switchfoot
Hey Ya by The Goo Goo Dolls
A Thousand Years by Christina Perri